If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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