I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
