i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
