My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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