I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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