i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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