i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
