My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
