what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
