well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
