Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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