nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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