Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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