Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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