Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
