Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
