the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize