A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I want to fling myself into the sun
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
