the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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