fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sext me about skeletons
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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