At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I think i got beer on your cat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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