Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
