my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
