dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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