This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
