I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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