If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize