I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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