we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
