do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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