Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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