Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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