True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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