Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
