Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
