11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
