Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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