Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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