you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
