hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
