so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
