You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize