Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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