Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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