she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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