Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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