i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
