So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
