i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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