this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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