Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
