Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
