i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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