I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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