She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
