dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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