I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
